free-verse141 lines

Love Letters of a Violinist. Letter VI. Despair.

by Eric Mackay

Letter VI. Despair.

I am undone. My hopes have beggar'd me,

For I have lov'd where loving was denied.

To-day is dark, and Yesterday has died,

And when To-morrow comes, erect and free,

Like some great king, whose tyrant will he be,

And whose defender in the days of pride?

II.

I am not cold, and yet November bands

Compress my heart. I know the month is May,

And that the sun will warm me if I stay.

But who is this? Oh, who is this that stands

Straight in my path, and with his bony hands

Appeals to me to turn some other way?

III.

It is the phantom of my murder'd joy,

Which once again has come to persecute,

And tell me tales which late I did refute.

But lo! I now must heed them, as a boy

Takes up, in tears, the remnants of a toy,

Or bard forlorn the fragments of a lute.

IV.

It is the ghost that, day by day, did come

To tempt my spirit to the mountain-peak;

It is the thing that wept, and would not speak,

And, with a sign, to show that it was dumb,

Did seem to hint at Death that was the sum

Of all we know, and all we strive to seek.

And now it comes again, and with its eye

Bloodshot and blear, though pallid in its face,

Doth point, exacting, to the very place

Where I do keep, that no one may descry,

A lady's glove, a ribbon, and a dry,

A perjur'd rose, which oft I did embrace.

VI.

It means, perchance, that I must make an end

Of all these things, and burn them as a fee

To my Despair, when down upon my knee.

O piteous thing! have pity; be my friend;

Or say, at least, that blessings will descend

On her I love, on her if not on me!

VII.

The Shape did smile; and, wildly, with a start,

Did shrivel up, as when a fire is spent,

Whereof the smoke obscured the firmament.

And then I knew it had but tried my heart,

To teach me how to play a manly part,

And strengthen me in all my good intent.

VIII.

And here I stand alone, e'en like a leaf

In sudden frost, as quiet as the wing

Of wounded bird, which knows it cannot sing.

A child may moan, but not a mountain chief.

If we be sad, if we possess a grief,

The grief should be the slave, and not the king.

IX.

Yes, I will pause, and pluck from out the Past

The full discernment of my sorry cheer,

And why the sunlight seems no longer clear,

And why, in spite of anguish, and the vast,

The sickly blank that o'er my life is cast,

I cannot kneel to-day, or shed a tear.

It was thy friendship. It was this I had,

This and no more. I was a fool to doubt,

I was a fool to strive to put to rout

My many foes: - thy musings tender-glad,

Which all had said: - "Avoid him! he is mad -

Mad with his love, and Love's erratic shout."

XI.

I should have known, - I should have guess'd in time, -

That, like a soft mirage at twilight hour,

My dream would melt, and rob me of its dower.

I should have guess'd that all the heights sublime,

Which look'd like spires and cities built in rhyme,

Would droop and die, like petals from a flower.

XII.

I should have known, indeed, that to the brave

All things are servants. But my lost Delight

Was like the ship that founders in a night,

And leaves no mark. How then? Is Passion's grave

All that is left beside the sobbing wave?

The foam thereof, the saltness, and the blight?

XIII.

I had a fleet of ships, and where are they?

Where are they all? and where the merchandise

I treasured once - an empire's golden prize,

The empire of a soul, which, in a day,

Lost all its wealth? I was deceiv'd, I say,

For I had reckon'd on propitious skies.

XIV.

I look'd afar, and saw no sign of wrack.

I look'd anear, and felt the summer breeze

Warm on my cheek; and forth upon the seas

I sent my ships; and would not have them back,

Though some averr'd a storm was on the track

Of all I lov'd, and all I own'd of these.

XV.

One ship was "Joy," the second "Truth," the third

"Love in a Dream," and, last not least of all,

"Hope," and "Content," and "Pride that hath a Fall."

And they were goodly vessels, by my word,

With sails as strong as pinions of a bird,

And crew that answer'd well to Duty's call.

XVI.

In one of these - in "Hope" - where I did fly

A lofty banner, - in that ship I found

Doom's-day at last, and all my crew were drown'd.

Yes, I was wreck'd in this, and here I lie,

Here on the beach, forlorn and like to die,

With none to pray for me on holy ground.

XVII.

O sweet my Lady! If thou pass this way,

And thou behold me where I lie beset

By wind and wave, and powerless to forget,

Wilt not approach me thoughtfully and say: -

"This man was true. He lov'd me night and day

And though I spurn'd at him, he loves me yet."

XVIII.

Wilt not withhold thy blame, at least to-night,

And shed for me a tear, as one may grieve

For people known in books, for men who weave

Ropes out of sand, to lead them to the light?

Oh! treat me thus, and, by thy hand so white,

I will forego the dreams to which I cleave.

XIX.

Be just to me, and say, when all is o'er,

When some such book is calmly laid aside:

"The shadow-men have liv'd and lov'd and died;

The shadow-women will be vexed no more.

But there is One for whom my heart is sore,

Because he took a shadow for his guide."

XX.

Say only this; but pray for me withal,

And let a pitying thought possess thee then,

Whether at home, at sea, or in a glen

In some wild nook. It were a joy to fall

Dead at thy feet, as at a trumpet's call,

For I should then be peerless among men!