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The Disagreeable Man.

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:

I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham.

Each little fault of temper and each social defect

In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.

To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes

And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;

I love my fellow creatures I do all the good I can

Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;

And vanity I always do my best to mortify;

A charitable action I can skilfully dissect:

And interested motives I'm delighted to detect.

I know everybody's income and what everybody earns,

And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns;

But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,

Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be;

You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;

I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer;

I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer;

To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;

I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do

But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,

Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!

And I can't think why!