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To The Deceased Wife's Sister

by Thomas William Hodgson Crosland

My dear Deceased Wife's Sister, -

(The wife of my bosom being still happily amongst us,

The above,

As the learned might say,

Is a misnomer.

You, on the other hand,

Are a Miss - - ,

And I would not marry you

To save myself from boiling oil.

If I had wanted you

I could have had you in the beginning.

And if I had married you

The wife of my bosom

Would have been aunt to her own children, as it were.

And in the event of your demise

She would also have been

My deceased wife's sister -

Which is at once inconsequential and peculiar.

A man cannot marry his deceased wife's sister

Till she is dead.

This is quite wrong.

In my humble opinion

It is also quite right.

Anyway, we will close this parenthesis

With the usual sign,

And proceed along the primrose path

Of business)

As I have already remarked

In my usual quaint way,

A man cannot marry

His deceased wife's sister

Until she is dead.

(By "she" of course I mean the man's wife.)

The bishops declare

That he cannot marry her anyhow

(By "he" I mean the man,

And by "her" of course

The bishops mean

The man's deceased wife's sister.

I desire to be explicit on these points

In order that we may avoid

Ambiguity.)

Well, my dear deceased wife's sister

(Always remembering that Mrs. - - is still alive),

What is your view of matters?

Do you really wish to marry me or not?

Have you any opinions about Lord Hugh Cecil?

If so,

Kindly state them.

Was he or was he not justified in demanding

On Wednesday night

That the word "Shame"

Be put upon the record?

If so, why not?

If not, why so?

My dear deceased wife's sister,

Do not let us get confused.

Let us clear our minds of Cecil.

After all is said

You are the Auntie of my children,

And the great-niece of my wife's great-uncle,

Not to say the sister-in-law of my children's father.

Come along,

Here are ducats,

A ring,

And a Canadian parson,

Let us get married at once.

Of course it is so sudden.

It always is.

And we have forgotten about Mrs. - -

We always do.

But I tell you here and now,

And in good set terms,

My dear deceased wife's sister,

That if I wish to marry

Either you or any more of your mother's daughters

(Which Heaven forbid),

I shall go to Canada or Australia

And marry 'em.