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Tunbridge Wells

by John Wilmot

At five this morn, when Phoebus raised his head

From Thetis' lap, I raised myself from bed,

And mounting steed, I trotted to the waters

The rendesvous of fools, buffoons, and praters,

Cuckolds, whores, citizens, their wives and daughters.

My squeamish stomach I with wine had bribed

To undertake the dose that was prescribed;

But turning head, a sudden curs'd view

That innocent provision overthrew,

And without drinking, made me purge and spew.

From coach and six a thing unweildy rolled,

Whose lumber, card more decently would hold.

As wise as calf it looked, as big as bully,

But handled, proves a mere Sir Nicholas Cully;

A bawling fop, a natural Nokes, and yet

He dares to censure as if he had wit.

To make him more ridiculous, in spite

Nature contrived the fool should be a knight.

Though he alone were dismal signet enough,

His train contributed to set him off,

All of his shape, all of the selfsame stuff.

No spleen or malice need on them be thrown:

Nature has done the business of lampoon,

And in their looks their characters has shown.

Endeavoring this irksome sight to balk,

And a more irksome noise, their silly talk,

I silently slunk down t' th' Lower Walk,

But often when one would Charybdis shun,

Down upon Scilla 'tis one's fate to run,

For here it was my curs'd luck to find

As great a fop, though of another kind,

A tall stiff fool that walked in Spanish guise:

The buckram puppet never stirred its eyes,

But grave as owl it looked, as woodcock wise.

He scorns the empty talking of this mad age,

And speaks all proverbs, sentences, and adage;

Can with as much solemnity buy eggs

As a cabal can talk of their intrigues;

Master o' th' Ceremonies, yet can dispense

With the formality of talking sense.

From hence unto the upper walk I ran,

Where a new scene of foppery began.

A tribe of curates, priests, canonical elves,

Fit company for none besides themselves,

Were got together. Each his distemper told,

Scurvy, stone, strangury; some were so bold

To charge the spleen to be their misery,

And on that wise disease brought infamy.

But none had modesty enough t' complain

Their want of learning, honesty, and brain,

The general diseases of that train.

These call themselves ambassadors of heaven,

And saucily pretend commissions given;

But should an Indian king, whose small command

Seldom extends beyond ten miles of land,

Send forth such wretched tools in an ambassage,

He'd find but small effects of such a message.

Listening, I found the cob of all this rabble

Pert Bays, with his importance comfortable.

He, being raised to an archdeaconry

By trampling on religion, liberty,

Was grown to great, and looked too fat and jolly,

To be disturbed with care and melancholy,

Though Marvell has enough exposed his folly.

He drank to carry off some old remains

His lazy dull distemper left in 's veins.

Let him drink on, but 'tis not a whole flood

Can give sufficient sweetness to his blood

To make his nature of his manners good.

Next after these, a fulsome Irish crew

Of silly Macs were offered to my view.

The things did talk, but th' hearing what they said

I did myself the kindness to evade.

Nature has placed these wretches beneath scorn:

They can't be called so vile as they are born.

Amidst the crowd next I myself conveyed,

For now were come, whitewash and paint being laid,

Mother and daughter, mistress and the maid,

And squire with wig and pantaloon displayed.

But ne'er could conventicle, play, or fair

For a true medley, with this herd compare.

Here lords, knights, squires, ladies and countesses,

Chandlers, mum-bacon women, sempstresses

Were mixed together, nor did they agree

More in their humors than their quality.

Here waiting for gallant, young damsel stood,

Leaning on cane, and muffled up in hood.

The would-be wit, whose business was to woo,

With hat removed and solemn scrape of shoe

Advanceth bowing, then genteelly shrugs,

And ruffled foretop into order tugs,

And thus accosts her: "Madam, methinks the weather

Is grown much more serene since you came hither.

You influence the heavens; but should the sun

Withdraw himself to see his rays outdone

By your bright eyes, they would supply the morn,

And make a day before the day be born."

With mouth screwed up, conceited winking eyes,

And breasts thrust forward, "Lord, sir!" she replies.

"It is your goodness, and not my deserts,

Which makes you show this learning, wit, and parts."

He, puzzled, butes his nail, both to display

The sparkling ring, and think what next to say,

And thus breaks forth afresh: "Madam, egad!

Your luck at cards last night was very bad:

At cribbage fifty-nine, and the next show

To make the game, and yet to want those two.

God damn me, madam, I'm the son of a whore

If in my life I saw the like before!"

To peddler's stall he drags her, and her breast

With hearts and such-like foolish toys he dressed;

And then, more smartly to expound the riddle

Of all his prattle, gives her a Scotch fiddle.

Tired with this dismal stuff, away I ran

Where were two wives, with girl just fit for man -

Short-breathed, with pallid lips and visage wan.

Some curtsies past, and the old compliment

Of being glad to see each other, spent,

With hand in hand they lovingly did walk,

And one began thus to renew the talk:

"I pray, good madam, if it may be thought

No rudeness, what cause was it hither brought

Your ladyship?" She soon replying, smiled,

"We have a good estate, but have no child,

And I'm informed these wells will make a barren

Woman as fruitful as a cony warren."

The first returned, "For this cause I am come,

For I can have no quietness at home.

My husband grumbles though we have got one,

This poor young girl, and mutters for a son.

And this is grieved with headache, pangs, and throes;

Is full sixteen, and never yet had those."

She soon replied, "Get her a husband, madam:

I married at that age, and ne'er had 'em;

Was just like her. Steel waters let alone:

A back of steel will bring 'em better down."

And ten to one but they themselves will try

The same means to increase their family.

Poor foolish fribble, who by subtlety

Of midwife, truest friend to lechery,

Persuaded art to be at pains and charge

To give thy wife occasion to enlarge

Thy silly head! For here walk Cuff and Kick,

With brawny back and legs and potent prick,

Who more substantially will cure thy wife,

And on her half-dead womb bestow new life.

From these the waters got the reputation

Of good assistants unto generation.

Some warlike men were now got into th' throng,

With hair tied back, singing a bawdy song.

Not much afraid, I got a nearer view,

And 'twas my chance to know the dreadful crew.

They were cadets, that seldom can appear:

Damned to the stint of thirty pounds a year.

With hawk on fist, or greyhound led in hand,

The dogs and footboys sometimes they command.

But now, having trimmed a cast-off spavined horse,

With three hard-pinched-for guineas in their purse,

Two rusty pistols, scarf about the arse,

Coat lined with red, they here presume to swell:

This goes for captain, that for colonel.

So the Bear Garden ape, on his steed mounted,

No longer is a jackanapes accounted,

But is, by virtue of his trumpery, then

Called by the name of "the young gentleman."

Bless me! thought I, what thing is man, that thus

In all his shapes, he is ridiculous?

Ourselves with noise of reason we do please

In vain: humanity's our worst disease.

Thrice happy beasts are, who, because they be

Of reason void, and so of foppery.

Faith, I was so ashamed that with remorse

I used the insolence to mount my horse;

For he, doing only things fit for his nature,

Did seem to me by much the wiser creature.