Ringgold Wilmer Lardner

There's been a young stranger at our house, A baby whom nobody knew; Who hated his brother, his father, his mother,

My son, I wish that it were half As easy to extract a laugh From grown-ups as from thee.

Prepare for noise, you quiet walls! You floors, get set for heavy falls! Frail dishes, hide away!

A sleuth like Pinkerton or Burns Is told that there has been a crime. He runs down clues and leads, and learns

Why do you love your Cousin Paull? For his sweet face, his smile, and all The little tricks that charm us so?

When I mixed with the shoppers and fought in vain To get what I sought, in the Christmas rush; When they stood on my toes in the crowded train,

"MYSELF!" It means that you don't care To have me lift you in your chair; That if I do, you'll rage and tear.

He couldn't have a doughnut, and it made him very mad; He undertook to get revenge by screaming at his dad. "Cut out that noise!" I ordered, and he gave another roar,

Dear Parents: - Don't imagine, please, It's in a boastful spirit I fashion verses such as these;

Dollar Bill, that I've held so tight Ever since payday, a week ago, Shall I purchase with you tonight

"I guess I'll help you, daddy." And daddy can't say "No;" For if he did, 'twould wound you, kid,

I've orders to waken you from your nap, And orders are orders, my little chap. But I hate to do it, because it seems

You could be president as well as not, Since all you'd have to do is think you were, With that imagination that you've got;

One thing that's yours, my little child Your poor old dad is simply wild To own. It's not a book or toy;

Who is Sylvia? What is she That early every morning You desert your family

Besides my little son's imagination, Another thing he has appeals to me And agitates my envious admiration -

Perhaps in some respects it's true That you resemble dad; To be informed I look like you

When I see his wonderful choo-choo trains, Which he daily builds with infinite pains, Whose cars are a crazy and curious lot -

I wonder how 'twould make you feel, My fellow food providers, To have as guests at ev'ry meal

My baby has a garden, "Planted" four days ago, And nearly half his waking hours

"I'm going to the office." So says my youngster, and Gets on the train to take him there

If it's fun to take books from the bookcase, If you really believe it's worth while To carry them out to the kitchen

Since he began to talk and sing, I've learned one interesting thing - The value of a verb is small;

I can't understand why you pass up the toys That Santa considered just right for small boys; I can't understand why you turn up your nose

What is the welcoming word I hear When I reach home at the close of day? "Glad you are with us, daddy, dear?"

He was weary of all of his usual joys; His books and his blocks made him tired, And so did his games and mechanical toys,

That may not be the proper way To spell their name; I cannot say. I've never seen 'em written out:

I wonder what your thought will be And what you'll say and do, sir, When you come home again and see

Up to the sky the birdman flew And looped some loops that were bold and new. The people marvelled at nerve so great

Spring, you are welcome, for you are the friend of Fathers of all little girlies and chaps. Spring, you are welcome, for you mean the end of